Milton Keynes: A failed vision of the future

Let me start with full disclosure. I'm an AFC Wimbledon fan, and as any football fan worth listening to will tell you, Milton Keynes' football team is a pariah that shouldn't exist. I won't bore you with too much detail, but let's just say Milton Keynes didn't have a football club until they effectively franchised my club and moved it 60 miles up the M1. As a result I've a totally irrational loathing of anything related to the place. That said, most of the population of Milton Keynes had nothing to do with football. So I try not to let what has happened cloud my opinion of the place. If only the place made it easy for me!

What's Milton Keynes famous for?

Ask a resident of a city what it's famous for, and you'll get a myriad of answers. Perhaps a gothic cathedral or a medieval town centre with Tudor beamed buildings. Maybe it's the birthplace of someone or something that changed the world. Milton Keynes has none of those. Most people when asked what Milton Keynes is famous for, say the concrete cows. Yes you heard me correctly. In the 1970s a conceptual artist sculpted six cows out of concrete and put them in a field.

It's fair to say that the public's response to this art is largely negative. Even the locals ridicule them, defacing them over the years. They've been dressed in pink, made to look like zebras, and even beheaded. Concrete cow pats have also been added. Who said Milton Keynes residents don't have a sense of humour.

Those darn roundabouts

If there is one word synonymous with Milton Keynes, it is roundabouts. They're everywhere. The city's roads are set out in a grid system with roads going north/south and east/west. The result is a matrix of roads with a roundabout every half a mile or so. 

I remember one of my first visits to the place years ago to visit a friend. It was before Sat Navs, and the directions I was given was to take junction 13 off the M1, and go across the first 11 roundabouts before turning right at the 12th. That was all well and good, but after driving across roundabout after roundabout, I started to wonder if I'd just passed the 8th or 9th! Part of the issue is that they all look pretty much the same. There are no distinguishing features to an outsider.

One other issue I have with the roundabouts, is the drivers who use them. A lot of them just don't seem to indicate which way they're going when they're on them. I suspect that is because they're just as fed up with them as I am. Imagine having to indicate every minute or two.

Where's the community?

A city is built on its community. That community develops over the years. Milton Keynes has been around just about long enough to develop a community or sorts, but it doesn't seem to come to the surface very often. Quite why that is, is open to conjecture. The fact that everything is so spread out is part of the problem. People don't live in one place. There are small pockets of housing spread out in various parts of the city, and most of these are in the city's suburbs not in the city centre. This small but significant geographical divide doesn't make for cohesiveness.

Then there's the ethnic and religious divides. They're no different than other cities, but the spread out nature of the population and apparent lack of amenities for cross group communication makes it seem more obvious. That's a shame, as it's location between Birmingham and Luton would make it a good place for some inter-faith cohabitation.

There's no doubt that Milton Keynes can be a great place to bring up a young family. There's the space, pretty good housing, and reasonable employment opportunities. But looking around the place, there aren't many older folk. There has to be a reason for this. I'm not sure what is is, but I suspect being unable to drive is one. Getting around the city on foot is pretty difficult, and the transport system is lacking. There are buses, but they don't take you where you want to go to. A car is the main means of transportation, and if you can't use one, you're stuck.

Getting around

Milton Keynes is a utopian vision of what a city could look like if the town planners had a free reign and a blank slate. Loosely modelled on US cities, the city was built where there'd been very little before. The town planners designed a place with lots of extra space. Why put everything together when you can make it more visually appealing if you add a few acres of green space between a set of houses and some shops. Maybe even put the shops on the other side of a large lake. It all looks pretty, but it means the distances between things is greater. In the outskirts where transport is less frequent or even unavailable, that means a car is a mandatory requirement. Apart from the main shopping centre, where there's a very large collection of shops you can walk between, you have to hop in a car to go half a mile down the road to move from the DIY store to the supermarket. The collective carbon footprint of the city's population must be enormous.

Conclusion

It's easy to knock the place. Milton Keynes was built as a vision of the future to help with the post World War Two housing crisis. It certainly helped with providing houses and jobs, but is it really a success? It is largely clean and tidy, and doesn't suffer from the urban decay of other cities. There's a lot of shiny glass and chrome offices and plenty of houses for the workers to live in. The people seem friendly too. It's just not got a very pleasant feel. It's all too new and shiny. Give me a city with the reality of hundreds of years of grime any day.

Hurling - the sport of kings

Most countries have a sport they've developed into a form of legalised warware. America has American Football, Canada has Ice Hockey, and Thailand has Kick Boxing. Ireland is no different, but as Irish their sport of choice takes things just that little bit further. That sport is Hurling.

Hurling is basically what happens when hockey, lacrosse, and medieval warfare have a love child. Played with a flat wooden stick (hurley) and a rock-hard ball (sliotar), it involves grown adults sprinting across a field, whacking the ball (and occasionally each other) with alarming enthusiasm. The goal? To score points and avoid being turned into a human piñata. It’s fast, chaotic, and just dangerous enough to make you question the players’ life choices.

What is most astonishing about Hurling is that the players aren't paid. Hurling like other Gaelic sports is administered by the GAA (Gaelic Athletics Association). The GAA promotes amateur Gaelic sports, music, dance, and the Irish language. With its roots in Irish nationalism, the GAA's rules forbid use of their grounds for non-GAA sports. Such socialist ideals is what's behind the non-professional stance of Hurling.

Players can claim expenses for travel, and can earn money from product endorsements, but that's it. Will the GAA ever allow professional is the sports they control? I don't think so. The idea of amateur sport is deeply embedded.

Anyway back to the game of Hurling. It's fast, energetic, and very entertaining. Sometimes referred to as the fastest team sport in the world, it likely to have you hooked from the first time you see a game. Try it out. Trust me. You won't regret it.

There once was a hurler named Shay,
Who swung his old stick every day.
With a sliotar in flight,
He gave it a might,
And it still hasn’t landed, they say.

Mary Kielty's Late Late Show eulogy

Every Irish man and women around the world knows that the Late Late Show is a broadcasting institution. Not only is it the world's longest running live talk show, it consistently has TV audiences of 650,000. That's 28% of the Irish TV audience. It's never been afraid to court controversy as it's Wikipedia page outlines. The show is Ireland, and the controversy's perfectly frame the religious versus the increasingly secular Ireland of the last 50 years.

It's presenters are household names among the Irish diaspora. Gay Byrne, Pat Kenny, Ryan Tubridy, and since 2023 Patrick Kielty. Patrick is the first presenter to come from north of the border, something that cements the notion of Irishness and the 32 counties. The fact that Kielty's home of Co. Down is technically not part of Ireland is lost on the show's audience. To them he is as Irish as Guinness, Shamrock, and the Blarney stone. I was going to say Saint Patrick, but his lineage is a discussion for another day!

Patrick is better known as a comedian who found fame making fun out of what became known as "the troubles" in Northern Ireland. That's a difficult gig, but made especially difficult when you realise his Father was killed by the Ulster Freedom Fighters (UFF) in 1988. His father's assassination deeply affected Patrick, yet didn't stop him poking fun at the status quo. Ireland has a healthy disrespect for the establishment, which helps deliver lots of satirical material if you've brave enough to do so.

Last week it was announced that Patrick's mother Mary had died. Yet Patrick went ahead and hosted the show after his Mother's funeral. Anyone who's lost a parent knows, getting back to normal life after a bereavement is difficult yet Patrick carried off with aplomb. Clearly emotional, he opened the Late Late Show with the following eulogy to his Mother.+

"I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who took care of her and our family this week. My mum watched this show religiously, and she loved it so much she still kept watching even after I got the gig. In over 50 years, Mary never missed a show, and there was no way she'd want me to miss this one. So, I couldn't be prouder to stand here and say, 'This one's for you, Mary'. Welcome to The Late Late Show."

Mary, wherever you're watching from, congratulations on producing such a fine, upstanding son. He's a credit to you, your husband John, and the Irish nation.

My favourite pancake toppings

It's Shrove Tuesday today, the day when Christians use up all their remaining flour, eggs, and milk before the month long Lent fast. This year it is also (more or less) aligned with the holy month of Ramadan for Muslims. So as we prepare the batter for our pancakes, let me ask the important question. What id the perfect pancake topping?

Before we answer that, we need to agree on the best batter recipe. As a child, it was a simple combination of flour, eggs, and milk. Over the years vegetable oil, sparkling water, baking powder, and even vanilla extract are added. All of these are just wrong. Stop messing with perfection. While I'm having a moan, make it plain flour not self raising. That's just cheating.

OK now we've settled that argument, let's talk about toppings. You can't beat the classic castor sugar and lemon, but I'm willing to accept that the more sophisticated palette requires something more.

This is where what you add depends on where you live. In the US you'll probably add maple syrup, but then you're pancakes are way too thick. Besides you have them to breakfast. Wrong! Thin is the way to go. The healthy toppings include some form of fruit. That adds some balance to the carb heavy meal, but if you're worried about a healthy diet, don't eat pancakes! Go the full hog and add Greek yogurt and honey. Maybe bananas, my personal choice.

Pancakes are such a versatile savoury dish, that you can top them with just about anything. Nuts, even ham has been known, but that is just showing off. What ever you use to top your pancakes, enjoy. Just don't use Nutella!

Trump: The thin line between politics and business

Yesterday's extraordinary White House press conference between Presidents Trump and Zelensky was a watershed moment in US politics. We know Trump treats everything and everyone like a business transaction. What's more he likes to win, and at all costs. He's a really sore loser. That means he willing to see someone get hurt to get his way.

This approach goes against all negotiation training I've ever been on. The aim of any negotiation is should be for both sides to come away believing they've got something out of it. Both parties should be willing to give and take to get an agreement. What we witnessed yesterday was a indication that the Trump administration is willing to do whatever it takes to humiliate whoever doesn't do what they want.

What was yesterday's objective?

Let's look at what Trump wanted. He wanted a large slice of Ukraine's mineral reserves. It isn't immediately obvious what he was willing to give Ukraine in return. It seems to be financial not military support, and you can bet it wasn't as much as Ukraine thinks it's worth. Trump likes to use his muscle to get a deal, and to be seen as getting a slightly better deal than the other guy. Zelensky wanted US military support, but was willing to give up some of his mineral reserves in return. Trump didn't want to budge on his offer. It was his way or the by-way!

What was odd about yesterday's meeting was that both sides seemed to have different expectations about what the meeting was about. Was it about peace, or was it about trade? The objective seemed confused. Trump wanted peace, but only if someone else sorted out the mess. It seems clear that he just wanted to get his hands on the mineral reserves. Zelensky and Europe in return needed US military support to secure peace.

It is quite normal for two negotiating sides to want slightly different things of course, but the norm is to try and find some middle ground where you can both meet. That's what is called negotiation. It's about understanding the red lines each side can't or won't cross, and talking about what they can do. Yesterday's spectacle was anything but. It showed Trump's approach as being, "Do it my way or there's no deal". It was a perfect example of how he like to belittle folk with less than him.

Trade or peace?

What I found strange about the whole event was why trade was part of the deal. It was the first time I've ever heard of anyone saying, I'll get your adversary to stop killing you if you give me something in return. Normally a peace deal is agreed to end human suffering. It should be about doing the right thing for humanity. The conflict is inflicting massive suffering to the Ukrainians. Even the Russians are suffering, albeit to a lesser degree.

The spectacle of seeing President Zelensky humiliated in that way perfectly showed how tough Trump can be. It showed that to him there was no difference between politics and business. There is no room for diplomacy when it comes to business. It's win or lose, and he doesn't like to lose. There's no middle ground. 

What now for Ukraine?

It remains to be seen if yesterday's shenanigans were all part of a US negotiating tactic. Maybe they'll come around to supporting Ukraine militarily, but that looks unlikely. It looks like the US has left Europe to do the dirty work.

Yesterday's news was unedifying and cruel. Who knows whether similar discussions have taken place between world leaders behind closed doors before, but it should never have happened in front of the world's media. The sinister part of me thinks this was all part of Trump's master plan to get his way and humiliate someone who really needed his help. Trump doesn't suffer fools gladly, and relations with Ukraine had soured in recent weeks.

What is clear for almost everyone apart from Trump, is that you can't negotiate a peace deal without both sides at the table. This whole deal started with a meeting with only one adversary, and now looks like continuing in the same vein. If something is agreed out of it, it's not a deal, it's an ultimatum.

Europe must circle the wagons and decide their next steps. Perhaps they've been complacent in thinking the US would always step up with military support when it's needed. In the world of Trump, that will only happen if the US and Trump gets something in return.