Dealing with Grief

My wife and I are off to a funeral later today. It is for the husband of a friend we've known for years. He'd been ill for awhile so his death wasn't totally unexpected, but it will still be a sad occasion. It is at times like this that I'm reminded of how I and those around me deal with grief. We don't all deal with it the same way, and it can be difficult for those around us to know how to deal with it too.

Dealing with death is difficult, especially if it is sudden and unexpected. Not having that person around can leave a massive void. Maybe it's a spouse you've lived with for most of your life but who suddenly is not there. Not having them gently snoring beside you in bed anymore, or missing being irritated by the way they used to fill the dishwasher. You've spent most of your life together, and know they're gone. The children have left home, and now there's just you wondering what you're going to do. Even if it is a more distant friend or relative, dealing with grief is hard.

In some countries we've different words for death, almost as a way of denying the reality that it exists. In the UK and Ireland we talk about someone's "passing", or commiserate with someone for their "loss" or "demise". Other cultures are more open about death, with very public demonstrations of grief. Here we don't like to acknowledge it, which is a shame. It feels awkward to talk about and we don't know what to say.

The number one rule of talking to someone who's experiencing grief is to acknowledge it and remember that it never goes away. It gets easier to deal with in time, but it can come back to hit you at any time. For example, I still feel sad every time I walk by a sweet shop that sells fudge, because my mother loved it. So when talking to someone grieving ask, "How are you today?" Note the "today" at the end. Without it, you'll almost certainly get a stock answer, "OK thanks". Maybe even repeat the question with, "No really, how are you today?". It is also important to acknowledge that someone may not want to talk. Should that happen just say something like, "Well I'm here for you when you do."

My number two rule is never say something that belittles someone's grief. If something you say could be translated into, "Don't be sad." don't even think of saying it. If you find yourself wanted to say, "It gets easier with time." or "They had a good life." take a second to think of something else. It's important to remember the person may be sad, and that being sad is good for them. It's all part of the healing process. In fact it is scientifically proven that sad tears contain different chemicals and enzymes designed to be beneficial. Happy tears do not.

Finally if like me you bottle up your emotions, don't. As a man, I do struggle with admitting when I'm feeling down. We men don't often open up to our friends in case it is seen as being weak or less manly. Men's mental health issues are thankfully more prominent now, and that's a massive leap forward. I lost my father suddenly when I was six, and to this day I still find funerals a difficult experience. I put this down to my mother thinking it best for me not to attend his funeral. As a result I never had a chance and grieve for my father properly. At that age I wasn't able to conceptualise my loss, and as a result wasn't able to rationalise it. My aunt once told me, "You're the man of the house now. You have to help your mum and sister." She was right of course, but just how was a six year old supposed to do that?

The moral of this post is to think carefully about what you say to someone coping with loss. Remember that every day is different. Someone dealing with getting young children ready for school on their own may not be feeling sad all the time, but there will be occasions when they will be. Acknowledge the situation and put yourself in their shoes.